Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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