You're so nebulous sometimes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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