they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
