who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
