Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
