yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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