bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
