i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
