You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
