All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
