dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
