No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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