There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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