69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
God, I missed his penis.
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