Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
