Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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