i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
