You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
