remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
