my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Randomize
