I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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