He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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