paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
