you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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