You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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