yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
