"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
