Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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