My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
