you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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