I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
