I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
