Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
you never un-have a 4some
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
