hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
