There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
