dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
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