The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize