He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
a search helicopter?!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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