Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
