If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
