I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
