mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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