omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
