Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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