I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
