with your own penis?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
