This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
