Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Life without a bra equals bliss.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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