I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
