My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
