I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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