I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize