My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
