Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
